Lou left for the Philippines today and will be back in seven weeks, but I have spent the last few days since Thursday being blissfully happy with him. Though last night there was a slight rough patch, it's over and done with-- and it was never anything super important or serious in the first place. It simply got out of hand, and Lou wanted to sleep it off while I wanted to press the issue.
I wrote him a letter to read when he is settled in.
I hope you're doing well and that you're getting plenty of rest after your long flight. Or that at least you're in good company enjoying yourself with the people you've missed so much! I've heard so much about them, so I know that you're in good hands while you're there. I could not imagine a place with more people that love you than your old home-- which will always be home for you, so long as they're there for you.
Thank you for calling me too. ♥ I was in the midst of writing you a text, but I sent it anyways. It made me really happy to see a call from you.
The guys were really great and sweet, and I'm happy they were there. They also were happy to send you off because they like you too. I know that I have good people around me in my life that make me happy, and I appreciate them very much. You are one of those people, and a very powerful one at that.
I know that I'll be fine, and that I'll do great, and I'll be happy, and that everything will be okay without you here (it'll just be different, and the wonderful things I've gained from life that only you bring to me will not be here too)-- unless something happens, I guess. But it doesn't make it suck any less to not have you here, because you're a large part of my life. Of course it doesn't mean I'll be distraught and nonfunctional without you-- I'm not that kind of person. But know that you're important enough that without you I feel an ache-- it can range from almost completely absent to something much stronger-- but it's there. It was there when I was in Taiwan and saw hobby shops that I thought you'd love to look through, there throughout the week when I'm at school and my labmates took me to a delicious Greek place that I knew you'd love, and it was there when it sprinkled on the windshield while Marc drove home and I remembered how much you love the rain even if it's just a little bit of it. But that ache is washed away everytime I'm in your arms, feeling your light kisses on my face while we fall asleep together, or when you call me during a quiet moment during a busy week because you wanted to see how I was, or even when you leave me a small message.
That is the power of what you do to me, and while it is something that I can muscle through without, it is easily the cause of some of the sweetest feelings I've experienced in my life.
This is all because of the love I have for you. I wanted to let you know this because I don't want you to worry or misunderstand. It's because I invest a lot of attention, care, and energy in you because you're someone I want to take care of, make happy, spend time with, and cherish.
Needless to say, I miss you. I miss you just like how weeks ago you told me that you missed me already.
But most of all,
I love you.
There is a lot of love for you in the Philippines, but there is also love waiting for you in your home here. Don't worry, my life is not on hold without you. It would just be more enjoyable if I was enjoying it hand in hand with you like I have for the past few months-- but that does not mean I am not happy with what I have now. There is nothing that I think would be better without you, because you make everything good better somehow. Just like how you say that you are always happy or having fun when you're with me, or how you feel content and good when we're together. It's the same here.
But know that when you get back, I'll be more than eager to hold you close and kiss you with as much strength as I can muster until I'm exhausted. ♥ I'll be saving that just for you, because I am your's and you are mine and you have everything as I do with you. It's always just for you.
I love you, Lou.
See you later, like always.
Love,
Colleen
I won't deny that I've been crying. I cried a little bit at the airport, but stopped. I cried in the silence of the car while the guys slept and Marc concentrated on the road. I tried to cheer myself up by thinking of happy things, such as the way he strokes my hair, or how he nuzzles me when he's tired but wants to cuddle, or how tightly he holds onto me even when he's asleep. I thought about us laughing together, the silly things we do, the sweet conversations, the thoughtful discussions and debates, and the quiet, tender things he whispers. Except it made me cry more, even though I felt warmer.
(I still largely prefer hearing someone's voice instead of just reading text... I loved the long conversations we've had on the phone, and even the short ones where he'd check up on me, tell me something interesting, then wish me well and tell me that he loves me so much.)
The only thing I truly fear is him disappearing on me. I am not trying to guilt him over this-- it's just a fear I have because it happened over the summer. I was more than just a little bit elated when he posted messages on my Facebook wall about how much he missed me, or when he sent me the heartfelt message on our anniversary. Those things easily make my week, because that is how strongly I feel about it. It was just hard to look back and realize, "Wow, it's been four weeks and I haven't heard from him..." I clarified with him too-- I know he cares. But it still hurts, and I don't want to feel that hurt again.
I thought about it today and realized that it's similar to how my mom would visit for a week or two when I was young, then disappear in the middle of the night and not appear for months-- even up to a year or a little more than that before reappearing in my life again. There would be sparse contact, and even if there was it didn't feel like much to just say yes I'm fine and no I'm being good and okay bye mom I love you. She did this for years and I understand why. She didn't want to see me sad when she leaves, she couldn't stay long because she had work, she couldn't come often because it was expensive, and she couldn't talk long because she was always busy and didn't have much to say to her child with stunted Chinese. She felt it was okay for years because she never saw what happens when she did things like that. I fell asleep with her stroking my hair and promising me a fun weekend where she'd listen to me talk about my friends and hold me and keep me close. She didn't see me waking up in horror to an empty bed the next morning, then tearing down the entire house searching for mom and wondering where she had gone when she promised she'd take me out for ice cream and that we'd go to the park to feed the ducks. The mom I barely saw over the short week or two she was here because I had school, and who left on the weekend. She tried by taking me out of school early for some fun, treats, hugs, and love-- but my dad did not feel it was good for my education. She didn't see the panic in me as I realized that she had done it again, and how stupid and betrayed I felt afterward for falling for it again. My dad would always be angry and curse my mother, then yell at me for being gullible because he was constantly frustrated with her during the early years after their divorce. I don't feel like a victim because I understand why she did this, and she apologizes often these days because she feels bad for it. I'm crying right now just thinking about this-- but I don't like feeling abandoned. I don't like people disappearing on me. I can be alone, but only by choice and not because of being left behind or abandoned.
I really, really don't want to feel that hurt again.
That's why it shakes me up so bad to think that Lou might disappear for seven weeks. I know he's busy. I know he has limited internet access. I know he's an introvert and not good with "emotional stuff" (as he calls it) and that he gets nervous and flustered and stressed and pressured and on and on and on. He tells me that if I need him so bad, he can be reached through email, Facebook, MSN, and even the phone. But my hands quiver as I did things like send him offline messages in Taiwan (as he pushed through a hellish summer school with long hours from morning till evening-- so even though he waited for me online and so did I, it didn't match up and he would be exhausted too) and I would feel the hurt of abandonment again. I know I wasn't abandoned. I know that he cares. But it's like feeling a cut when you see someone else get cut. It didn't happen, but the feeling creeps in as you're reminded of it. I wasn't making a big deal out of something small-- I was being sad over a legitimate fear of mine when I cried and clung to Lou while I sloppily explained to him why it hurts to think of seven weeks of silence as he sang
Three Little Birds to make the sadness go away.
The sadness will pass. That is easy to see. I know that Lou won't abandon me. For crying outloud, he took my shirt, scarf, and a handkerchief because he also wants tokens of me around him though he doesn't ask for them unlike me. I'll often ask if I can keep something of his to keep my room smelling like him over the week, because it makes me feel warm, fuzzy and good. I am not blind to his affection. Lou promised me a few weeks ago that he'd wear my ring, and I know not to worry about him doing something I'd strongly disapprove of because I trust him. He promised me to reinforce that trust. That is nothing compared to my fear of him disappearing and those horribly feelings creeping back. I always fumble as I try to explain that I know that he cares, loves, and has not disappeared-- but the hurtful things come but mean nothing (as in they don't make me feel any less of him), they just hurt and hurt and hurt. Last night, I was sad and he told me I had so much around me to make me happy-- I told him that I realize that, but I was just sad at the moment because here he was next to me but I knew in a few hours that wouldn't be. But the ache that I mentioned in the letter will always be there, because it's been there ever since I met him and realized that I had feelings for him. He described the ache himself weeks ago when he told me how heavy his heart felt when he left and how it becomes more and more difficult, and that he'd imagine that that's how I felt all the time.
Daniel called it Day One, but I won't be counting the days. I'll be looking forward to when he gets back for sure, but I won't obsess. I know I won't, because there have been times where there were absences, and there has been other difficult things too. Lou coming back will be such a highlight. But I have my own life to get to, and he does too. It's just more wonderful when we do it together, and even better knowing that he likes it that way too.
I'm not going to cry for Lou to come back sooner, or anything like that.
I cry because the pain is fresh, and it'll take a bit to step out of the routine of life with Lou and I'll always miss (in varying amounts) because I love.
But that is all something I can get through, because sometimes emotions and feelings are tough like this but it's not always bad. It's just... how it is. There's not a positive or negative label to attach to it. I just need to continue on with what I need to do.
I had a nightmare last night-- one of the most horrible ones I've had in years, and I remember yelling in the dream. I woke up to Lou asking, "What's wrong, Colleen?" because I had been screaming which woke him up, and he had grabbed his knife thinking that someone was in the house so he needed to be ready to defend us. He held me tight and told me to relax because it was only a dream after I told him it was a nightmare, and his grip was firm as he made sure I was safe and calm. I fell asleep soon after. Last week, he told me to go to sleep because he was there and keeping me warm and secure, and I said, "There is no safer place." He also tucked me in gently and said, "I don't want you to feel cold," but kept me neatly under his chin the entire time to make sure I was within his embrace. That is when I feel taken care of, which is the only thing I ask from Lou. He said yesterday that he knows I do not have high demands. I don't ask for anything other than to be taken care of, which does not mean anything like money for instance. It's merely a feeling that he gives me like in those moments.
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